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WHAT IS NEGATIVE SELF-TALK?

 

Like it or not, everything you say to yourself matters, Queen; that’s why being mindful of the words you use with yourself on a regular basis is extremely important.

Sometimes, negative self-talk, (or NST) can start out small…like picking out little things we don’t like about ourselves. But if we don’t know how to recognize, address, and prevent it, it can quickly turn into anxiety, depression, and, in extreme cases, self-hatred.

 

Let’s be clear: our inner-critic isn’t harmless. 

 

It can inhibit, limit, and stop you from pursuing the life you truly want to live. It robs you of your peace-of-mind and emotional well-being. When your inner-critic consistently labels you in a negative way, it has a demoralizing effect and negatively shapes your idea about who you are and what you can do.

 

Not sure if your self-talk is positive or negative? (Keep reading...)

Some common forms of NST include:

Filtering
This is when you magnify the negative aspects of a situation and filter out all of the positive ones.

 

For example: you had a great day at work/school, you completed your tasks ahead of time, and you were complimented for doing such a great job. 

 

…but later that evening, you start focusing only on your plan to do even more tasks and forget all about the compliments you received.

 

Every accomplishment, no matter how big or small, can outweigh the negative. If you find yourself filtering, try to jot down all the things that have gone right recently. You’ll slowly begin to realize that things may not be as bad as they seem.

 

Personalizing
This is when something bad happens, you automatically start blaming yourself.

For example: girls’ night gets canceled, and you assume that the change in plans is because no one wanted to be around you.

 

The next time you feel like you’re to blame if something goes wrong or seems different than normal—take a step back. Breathe deeply and look at the situation from the outside. You know your friends care about you—so, what are some other, more realistic reasons why the plans changed?

Catastrophizing
This is when you imagine the worst possible outcome in any situation and convince yourself of its inevitability–usually without any real facts to back it up.

 

For example: Starbucks gets your order wrong, and you automatically think that the rest of your day will be a disaster.

 

When this comes up, put things into perspective. This includes considering other outcomes and distinguishing between uncomfortable vs. catastrophe. This is another instance in which taking a step back to look at a situation for what it really is can be really helpful.

 

Polarizing
This is when you see things only as either good or bad—there is no middle ground. You feel like you have to be perfect, or you’re a total failure.

 

For example: If you’ve been getting up early all week, and one morning you feel the need to hit the snooze button and sleep in a little longer—suddenly, you feel as though this makes you a “lazy person.”

 

In these instances, you have to treat yourself with kindness, Queen. Remember, you’re allowed to make choices that cater to your needs at the moment in real-time.

 

"Always" or "Never"
This is when you find yourself thinking in terms of always, never, every time, everyone, no one, and so on.

For example: thoughts like, “I will never get a raise,” or “Nobody cares about me,” or “I always screw up no matter what.”

This type of thinking is not only detrimental to your happiness; it’s not based in reality. It’s not true that no one cares about you, or that you will never get a raise. You are the one who is creating that situation, which means that you can change it.

 

Mind Reading
This is when you tell yourself you know what another person is thinking – and it’s always something bad.

For example: Do you ever find yourself having an argument in your head with someone? You imagine them saying all sorts of crazy things that frustrate or anger you, or hurt you and make you feel ashamed?

 

That would be considered mind reading, Queen…because in reality, you have absolutely no idea what that person is thinking. But you tell yourself that you do, and you let this false belief negatively impact your relationships.

 

The only way you can ever truly know what someone else is thinking is to ask them and have an honest conversation about it. That’s also how you form deeper, more meaningful relationships.

 

Guilt-Tripping
This is when you focus on everything bad you’ve ever done, everything that makes you feel guilty or ashamed, and you allow that to define your perception of who you are.

For example: You tell yourself you’re a loser and a bad person and that you don’t deserve to feel happy or achieve the success you long for. And so, you give up before you even start.

…but, what if the critic is true?

 

It doesn’t matter. NST is never in your best interest, Queen. There is always a different, kinder, better way to treat yourself that doesn’t involve negative labels and self-destructive mindsets. 
 

Continued: How to Stop Negative Self-Talk »

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