HOW TO STOP NEGATIVE SELF-TALK

 

In any given situation, you can focus on what you did wrong…or on what you did well and what you can do better the next time. (Always choose the latter, Queen.)

 

Here are a few ways to turn down the noise of your inner-critic and turn the volume up on self-love:

 

Notice Your Critic

Learn to notice when you’re being self-critical, so you can begin to stop. For example, notice when you say things to yourself that you wouldn’t say to a loved one. Much of our thinking is so automatic and happening so rapidly that we barely notice it before we move on to the next thought.

 

Making the conscious effort to slow down and pay more attention to your thoughts will help you notice when the critic is present. Your emotions will also cue you to the presence of the critic. Negative emotions such as doubt, guilt, shame, and worthlessness are almost always signs of the critic at work.

 

Exercise: Keep an inner critic log, either in a small notebook or on your phone. Every time you notice yourself being self-critical, just note two or three words about the situation and what the criticism was. Once you are aware of the critical voice, you will be in a position to stand up to it.

 

Give Your Inner Critic a Nickname

The inner-critic doesn’t want you to notice it. It thrives best when you mistake it for being part of your authentic self. However, you weren’t born with an inner-critic. The critic is a voice that you have internalized based on outside influences and learning, such as other people’s criticism, expectations, or standards. One way to separate from the critic is to give it a name. Any name will work. What is important is that by separating it from your own identity, you are on your way to freeing yourself from its influence.

 

When you think of your inner critic as a force outside of yourself, it’s not only easier to realize that you don’t have to agree, but it becomes less threatening and easier to see how ridiculous some of your critical thoughts can be.

 

So next time NST creeps up, don’t just shrug it off as another anxious thought. Call out Negative Nesha, Petty Patricia, Whiny Wendy (or whatever name you choose) for what it is…but more importantly, stop listening!

 

Change Negativity to Neutrality

When engaging in NST, you may be able to catch yourself, but it can sometimes be difficult to force yourself to stop a train of thought in its tracks. It’s often far easier to change the intensity of your language.

​​

• "I can’t stand this," becomes "This is challenging."

• "I hate…," becomes "I don’t like," or "I’d prefer…"

• "I’ve never done it before," becomes "It’s an opportunity to learn something new."

• "It’s too complicated," becomes "I’ll tackle it from a different angle."

• "I don’t have the resources," becomes "Necessity is the mother of invention."

• "I’m too lazy to get this done," becomes "I wasn’t able to fit it into my schedule, but I can re-examine some priorities."

• "There’s no way it will work," becomes "I can try to make it work."

• "It’s too radical a change," becomes "Let’s take a chance."

• "No one bothers to communicate with me," becomes "I’ll see if I can open the channels of communication."

• "I’m not going to get any better at this," becomes "I’ll give it another try."

 

When your self-talk uses more gentle language, much of its negative power is muted as well.

 

Cross-Examine Your Inner Critic

One of the most damaging aspects of NST is that it often goes unchallenged. It’s far better to catch your NST and ask yourself how true it is. The vast majority of NST is an exaggeration, and calling yourself on this can help to take away its power.

 

Simply telling the critic you don’t want to hear what it has to say begins to give you a sense of choice in the matter. When you hear your inner critic start to speak, tell it to go away. Tell it you refuse to listen. Tell it that you know it is a liar. Tell it you are choosing instead to be kind to yourself.

 

Talk to Yourself Like a Friend

A lot of our NST comes from messages we’ve heard in our lives—whether directly or indirectly—and internalized, maybe from a hypercritical caregiver, a school bully, or the media. When we beat ourselves up over mistakes, tear down our own appearance, or talk ourselves out of great ideas and opportunities, we’re, honestly, not giving ourselves the grace and care that we would give others.

 

One way to tame our inner critic is to become our own best friend and choose to focus more on our positive characteristics. We need to celebrate the little wins, the smart things we do, and the goals we achieve. And, more importantly, we need to remember them so that the next time Negative Nesha tries to criticize us of otherwise, we have proof of why she’s wrong. No matter what the inner critic has told you, you do have positive traits, although it may take you some effort to retrain yourself to see them.

 

Replace the Bad with the Good

Take a negative thought and change it to something encouraging that’s also accurate. Repeat until you find yourself needing to do it less and less often. This works well with most bad habits: for example, replacing unhealthy food with healthier foods.

 

Our thoughts and feelings come and go like the clouds in the sky, but our underlying sense of happiness and natural self-confidence, like the blue sky, is always present.

 

Practicing positivity isn’t about disregarding the unfortunate nature of a situation, but instead acknowledging that you will find a way around it…and you always do. The reality is, we can’t do everything right, and there’s no such thing as a “perfect" person, but when we have a goal for ourselves and our lives that is bigger than being “good,” our NST has no choice but to fade away.

​

If you’re ready to learn how to speak life into yourself, contact us for more information.